When I'm in a familiar place, I'm almost always fine. I can feel the center of my ego, exactly where I stand, and I feel no disconnect between my inner desire and what I find my physical self actually, subsequently doing.
Elsewhere, which is to say, those places where I am not familiar, I am not at peace - regardless of whether I am enjoying myself. There is a disconnect between my heart and my body - my feet, my mouth, my ability to maintain patience, clarity, focus. My actions are rushed - all I feel are the compulsions (indeed, those I have trained myself to possess) to successfully complete objectives. In this, I experience a sort of out-of-body experience, where I do things too quickly, or too soon, or things I have not yet consciously decided to do.
This happens reliably on vacation, which primes it, I think, by being composed of the absurd contradiction of "hurrying to relax". I only have a week, I have a drive to make, and logistics to coordinate, and things to check off a master list - what the trip is made of, what I hope to go to actually do. When I'm not careful, I stride almost breathlessly through hikes that I intended to be relaxing (dare I hope, transcendental) experiences. All this, because I cannot balance the achieving mindset - necessary to plan it all, to leave, and travel, and arrive - with the mindset of the self - which is in service to nothing else.
The distance between them is not easy to traverse. But it helps to have some sunshine, a good coffee, people and scenery and music.
Wish me luck!
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