Jules after the War

"What's appalling about war is that it deprives man of his own individual battle."
- Jules and Jim

We are wired to desire success, but in the modern world, what is success? Food, shelter, reproduction? We are capable of much more. It is painful to know that we can fail, but it is worse that we are flying blind to begin with. We make our decisions about the future based on our feelings, and our decisions subsequently affect our feelings. What hope is there to read the map and navigate our future to be happy?

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I have postponed my future for much of my adult life. I do not regret this - I do not think that we should be so eager to move through the stages that we will only know once. But I must also be brave to go forward. I feel that the privileges of the modern world and the fortune of conscientiousness have taken me past my parents' destinies - I feel that I am standing on their shoulders now. In a strange way, it is my grandmother alone that I feel is beside me in what I am becoming. "There are more worlds..."

But I am neither beside nor above my own confusion with my place in the world. I want to live in peace, but the world is quicksand - the struggle to break free hastens the departure of my heart from this world.