One Hundred Years of Solitude

I got a fit of wickedly recent nostalgia, viewing my blog title image just now; I am getting the ceremonial "haircut before the job search", tomorrow. I like my hair long, and a little out of control. It just about fools myself into thinking I am capable of being more unpredictable than I am. It also reminds me of the "haircut weekends" of two summers ago. (confused? ask me about it sometime)

I didn't pay much attention to my outward appearance for most of my life. I was loved intensely and unconditionally at a young age, without criticism, and so I grew up stubbornly resisting such concessions. In the past few years, I started to make these changes as I saw - and could not ignore - the undeniable proof that they were valuable. Besides, I lost the ego for holding onto such things. (although I cannot say when or how)

I will probably always be drawn inward, left wondering how others are so adept at finding common ground in others. Therein, though, lies the question and the answer. I have spent years thinking in isolation; I can seldom relate to others about the pressing concerns of my days. My friends are for fun and trivialities. Against all my will, I still relate best to that Thoreau quote, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Men, wired to conquer the ambivalence of potential mates, wind up desperate to conquer the ambivalence of the world. The modern world, enormous and eternally cementing into its collective destiny, is so thoroughly confounding to affect in any meaningful way that men are left with a proverbial, "un-scratchable itch". The need to collect joy from outside ourselves - joy brought about from within - is tenuous, suffers, and can die. Indeed, without imagination, without dreams, without art - the agents of mitigating this frustration - this process would be both quick and violent.

Oh, and I am reading One Hundred Years of Solitude, which is far more impressive than I ever assumed it would be. It has reminded me to live in the driver's seat. And, of the importance of making strong and brave decisions, and to make those decisions now.