Spring Break has come and gone, and my time to leave Finland is thus approaching in a way that feels terminal now... I am already letting go because I know it will be hard. In a way, I think I started letting go when my friends began to leave. By some no doubt ill-defined metrics, my time here has worked in reverse to what might be considered normal - I felt at home here almost immediately, and have spent a great deal of time loosening the grip the place and myself have on each other. So, what is the point of it all? Maybe nothing. Or maybe I want the feelings and mindset that I have borne here to survive the detachment?
Who was it that said, (and I paraphrase...) that hatred for others comes from seeing things in them we don't like about ourselves? I have always agreed with that statement, but now I realize it may be part of something bigger. Maybe all emotions are elicited through this mirror - the one that reflects what the actions of others and external events mean to ourselves, not what they are in and of themselves... Or is it just this to me? As evidence I can only offer my own experiences, which necessarily limits the conclusions I can draw, but let me try regardless. Recently, good friends of mine here left, and to be forthright, I was not sad for this. I will miss them, but that to me is peripheral. Perhaps the most important question in making my point is this: What could I do about it? Nothing, of course. However, a few days later, when I realized I had lost a gift they had given me that reminded me of them very much, I was so upset that I actually cried. This was MY failing, the effect of my actions. And for all my pondering, I cannot so much as figure out how my friends even fit into the emotion, except that I feel that my failure somehow takes away from my bond with them.
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The idea of living in one place for a limited amount of time is appealing for any number of reasons that I have spent long amounts of time thinking about and reinforcing in my mind. And so, in the spirit of the new, these reasons are of no further interest to me. What preoccupies my mind today is the drawbacks, which have come into greater focus as I have experienced them more closely. It started before Finland - I became involved with someone where circumstance necessarily dictated the limits of our relationship. I have never had particular fortune finding people that I felt I had a real 'connection' with, so these facts were hard for me to accept. Now, the desires and reality of my current situation weigh on everything that happens, every opportunity that is presented. And I have become no better at accepting the constraints of reality, as I have begun to feel much more attached to someone than I should allow myself to be to someone that I will soon be saying good-bye to.
This reminds me that sometime ago, I changed my favorite quote on Facebook from several quotes that define how I wish I was (a silly notion), to one that describes very well how my mind actually works:
"Illusion is the first of all pleasures" - O. Wilde
I won't dwell on the fact that I have come to quote one of the most readily quotable figures of modern times. (Borges was both correct and notes the relevant fact when he pointed out that time proves Wilde to be almost always right) More importantly, I have allowed myself to draw grandiose enough illusions of pleasure that it has become a daunting (and secondary) exercise for me to determine what pleasures are actually worth reaching for. I am more apt to merely accept (or pursue) the pleasures that present themselves in front of me.
How many people joked about me finding a wife while I was over here? I suppose the idea in and of itself is not crazy, given what different dynamics exist and how easy it would be to fall into a spell upon finding something so different, perhaps something that easily steps past the usual (and thus frustrating) limitations but possesses other limitations I have yet to experience... Still, I am surprised at myself that I have actually entertained some thought about the possibility. Even more surprising, perhaps? I only mention any of this because I thought about it again today. I suppose, significantly, that this is not rational but is instead the effect of an addiction to the pleasure of illusion.
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