June of 2016 Update

Today I wanted to take a little time to describe what my life is like, so that ten years from now I have more than my memories to rely on, which by that time will be hazy, distorted, conflated, and simplified. I want to learn how living my life a certain way impacts my happiness and success, but how would I know if I can't accurately reflect on the past?

Where to start?

I drink too much coffee. It gets me through my work mornings without eating (a form of intermittent fasting for which my discipline has sadly degraded), and spurs me to write - especially fiction. It fills my stomach with zero calories, but the dreaded second-order effects of its overuse include my own intolerance for empty-stomach hunger, intermittent inability to sleep, and I suspect, frentic dreams where I am always striving to complete tasks that feel utterly detached from any spiritual drive.

I drink too much beer. It is automatic with most social interaction and a social pasttime of its own. I don't believe I drink too often, but when I drink it is frequently too much. This pattern throws my metabolism out of wack - often back and forth from ketosis - and plays havoc on my digestive system. I inevitably crave more carbs for a day or two afterwards - the combination makes it difficult to stay at the weight that I know I am capable of maintaining in a healthy, steady state.

I have been a contractor at work for almost a full year now, which allows me to travel as much as I have long wished to. Travel rejuvenates me, even as the planning and logistics frequently stress me out. But, travel also exacerbates the same problems I experience at home, because there are more free days, and more free hours, for my day-to-day, hour-to-hour compulsions to assert themselves. I drink too much coffee and drink too much beer. But worse yet, I'm almost always anxious, and I have to constantly fight the impulse to hurry up with whatever I happen to be doing, so that I may get on to the next thing.

It's all a vicious cycle, right? The miracle of productivity can be achieved with coffee - its only cost is sanity, any chance of mental clarity, any chance of watching clouds move across the sky or listening to the water running through a creek on some pastoral afternoon. There has to be a better way, a middle ground.

I am going to Santa Fe in about a month. This middle ground is my goal - I wish to experience gloriously unhurried days even as I make the most of my time. I want to read books for pleasure and not to be urgently seeking wisdom, a leg up, skipping pages, throwing books aside ten pages in.

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I have gotten closer to my friends and further from everyone else. And you know what? That's something I consciously decided to do. But, now I can see that it is misguided. I should wish to be closer to my friends and closer to everyone else, as well. Or, at least be open to meeting new people - I should ruthlessly seek to come to know people well enough to discover what we can offer each other. I know I will regret it later in life if I never learn to do this.

A couple years ago at work, I concluded that I needed to open my mouth less, advertise myself less, and execute on my work more. I knew, just knew, that if I simply worked at doing my job better, than recognition would follow. But, it hasn't. Quite the opposite - even as I have become an informal authority on the team (earned the hard way, one careful decision at a time), recognition has all but disappeared. What can I make of this but to chalk it up to the reality of human systems, the reality of people? People are not rational - not even *your* boss - the person you probably assume, by default, knows how to be fair. That person is not fair - they are only fair enough to seem fair, if you are lucky, at that. They are probably playing for themselves, and whether that means also playing for you is a coin toss, a matter most likely out of your control altogether. And so, I am enjoying travel, and executing on my work anyway, because what else would I do? Intentionally shirk my responsibilities and fail to execute, just to get revenge? Nothing exists in a vacuum, and I wouldn't expose the whole of myself to such corruption. The one thing I will not regret at the end of my life is not compromising my values.

Merry is satisfied, I think, with her life. Living stoically is great until you look to your partner to validate your own virtues. Have I been a good partner for her? Have I given her all that she deserves? No, I don't think I have, but I wouldn't know it from looking at her, because she is self-possessed, and because her natural state is one of contentment for what she has. We have each other, and a home we enjoy. We have hobbies, we have adventures. We have family and friends to pass the time with. We have a cat, and a blueberry.

Traditional Journaling

I have, for a long time, strove to write posts on this blog within a tightly-defined scope. This was an intentional attempt to enforce discipline on my writing, and I believe it has been very beneficial to me. However, it has left me without an outlet to describe my less-formed thoughts, not to mention the vicissitudes of my day-to-day life - things I value recording.

It is possible that a separate, private journal of some form would be a better solution to this issue, but for now I have made the decision to risk erring on the side of publishing some content online unnecessarily, rather than the alternate risk of not publishing enough online. I have thought about this two ways:

1. The risk domain is gentle - it is hard to imagine anything terrible coming of me publishing more thoughts online.
2. The resilience I wish to prove in all my thought. A public thought is always more anti-fragile than a private thought for someone receptive to feedback.

It occurs to me that a further 'cost' of this choice is a degradation in the broad quality of my published output on this website. That's another thing I have two thoughts about:

1. I'll tag such entries "Updates" to allow for filtering of posts.
2. I would be kidding myself that many people are reading, or that a quality degradation would have a material effect.

One thing I have learned by getting older is that understanding (and through it, wisdom) comes from a keen sense of observation - including observation of the reasons oneself changes as a result of their environment, disposition, attitude, and other factors. And so, by better observing and understanding how we become who we become, we learn to better steer ourselves towards success and happiness, and away from failure and misery.

I am 35, and by some means of which I have scarce understanding, I have managed to build a life where I am happy an inordinate amount of the time. What is to credit for this miracle? Even at this age, and even as someone who has been predisposed to self-examination all of my adolescent and adult life, it is a terribly difficult question to answer. I have many theories, but one thing the world has taught me is that explanations are a dime a dozen, while true answers are elusive, and much slower to arrive than we often believe. I intend to be patient in looking for the true answer, but I do intend to find it!